Man Rules… – © Scott White

The Weekend Question: If you ask a question on Friday night, and the answer is “nothing,” and we answer “nothing,” and you get mad because we did “nothing,” we are not lying. We literally did nothing.
The “Fine” Trap: If you say “I’m fine,” we will believe you. We know you probably aren’t, but the argument just isn’t worth the risk.
Subtle Hints: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it.
Problem Solving vs. Sympathy: If you tell us a problem, we will try to solve it. That is what we do. If you want sympathy, tell your girlfriends.
The 6-Month Rule: If something we said can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

The Toilet Seat: Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
Shopping: Shopping is not a sport. And no, we are not ever going to think of it that way.
Directions: Men are not lost. We are merely investigating alternative destinations. Asking for directions is an admission of failure.
Color Vision: We see in 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
Beer Logic: All men see in only three dimensions: Height, Width, and Depth. We do not see “mess” or “dirt” or “clutter.” However, we can spot a cold beer from three rooms away.

The “Fat” Question: Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. Also, the answer to “Do I look fat in this?” is always “No.”
Anniversaries: Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and he arrived in America. We do not need to know the date of our anniversary to know we love you. (But seriously, mark it on the calendar).
Crying: Crying is blackmail.
Names: If we don’t know the names of your friends, it’s not because we don’t care. It’s because we have limited storage space and “That girl with the red hair” is a perfectly valid identifier.
Getting Ready: You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes. “I have nothing to wear” is statistically impossible.

“You can either be right, or you can be happy. You cannot be both.”